Obsessions and Love Addiction ! 10 Common Questions Men Have About Sex Addiction.
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Obsessions and Love Addiction
When an
obsession dominates us, it steals our will and saps all the pleasure out of
life. We become numb to people and events, while our mind replays the same
dialogue images, or words. In a conversation, we have little interest in what
the other person is saying and soon talk about our obsession, oblivious to the
impact on our listener.
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Obsessions vary
in their power. When they're mild, we're able to work and distract ourselves,
but when intense, our thoughts are laser-focused on our obsession. As with compulsions,
they operate outside our conscious control and are rarely abated with
reasoning. Obsessions can possess our mind. Our thoughts race or run in
circles, feeding incessant worry, fantasy, or a search for answers. They can
take over our life, so that we lose hours, sleep, or even days or weeks of
enjoyment and productive activity.
Obsessions can
paralyze us. Other times, they can lead to compulsive behavior like repeatedly
checking our email, our weight, or whether the doors are locked. We lose touch with
ourselves, our feelings, and our ability to reason and solve problems.
Obsessions like this are usually driven by fear.
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Obsessions and
Addiction
Codependents
(which includes addicts) focus on the external. Addicts obsess about the object
of their addiction - alcoholics about drinking, sex addicts about sex, food
addicts about food. Our thinking and behavior revolves around the object of our
addiction, while our true self is cloaked with shame. But we can obsess about
anyone or anything.
Because of shame,
we're preoccupied with how we're perceived by others, leading to anxiety and
obsessions concerning what other people think about us, including our past,
present, and future actions, particularly before or after any type of
performance or behavior where others are watching and during dating or after a
break-up. Shame also creates insecurity, doubt, self-criticism, indecision, and
irrational guilt. Normal guilt can turn into an obsession that leads to
self-shaming that can last for days or months. Normal guilt is alleviated by
making amends or by taking corrective action, but shame endures because it is
"we" who are bad, not our actions.
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Obsessions and
Relationships
Codependents
typically obsess about people they love and care for, including their problems.
They might obsess and worry about an alcoholic's behavior, not realizing they
have become as preoccupied with him or her as the alcoholic is with alcohol.
Obsessions can feed compulsive attempts to control others, such as following
someone, reading another person's diary, emails, or texts, diluting bottles of
liquor, hiding keys, or searching for drugs. None of this helps, but only
causes more chaos and conflict. The more we're obsessed with someone else, the
more of ourselves we lose. When asked how we are, we may quickly change the
subject to the person we're obsessed with.
In a new
romantic relationship, it's normal to think about our loved one to a degree-but
for codependents, it often doesn't stop there. When not worrying about the
relationship, we may become obsessed with our partner's whereabouts or create
jealous scripts that damage the relationship. Our obsessions may also be
pleasurable, such as fantasies about romance, sex, or power. We may imagine how
we'd like our relationship to be or how we want someone to act. A big
discrepancy between our fantasy and reality may reveal what we're missing in
our life.
Some
codependents are consumed by obsessive love. They might call their loved one
many times a day, demand attention and responses, and feel easily hurt,
rejected, or abandoned. Actually, this isn't really love at all, but an
expression of a desperate need to bond and escape loneliness and inner
emptiness. It usually pushes the other person away. Real love accepts the other
person and respects their needs.
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What Causes
Obsession?
Denial is a
major symptom of codependency - denial of painful realities, of addiction (ours
and other's), and denial of our needs and feelings. A great many codependents
are unable to identify their feelings, or they may be able to name them, but
not feel them. This inability to tolerate painful emotions is another reason
why as codependents we tend to obsess. Obsession serves the function of
protecting us from painful feelings. Thus, it can be looked at as a defense to
pain. As uncomfortable as an obsession can be, it keeps at bay underlying
emotions, such as grief, loneliness, anger, emptiness, shame, and fear. It may
be the fear of rejection or the fear of losing a loved one to a drug addiction.
Often certain
feelings are shame-bound because they were shamed in childhood. When they arise
in adulthood, we might obsess instead. If we believe we shouldn't feel anger or
express it, we might not be able to let go of resentment about someone rather
than allow ourselves to feel angry. If sadness was shamed, we might obsess
about a romantic interest to avoid feeling the pain of loneliness or rejection.
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Of course,
sometimes, we really are obsessing because we're very afraid that a loved one
will commit suicide, get arrested, overdose, or die or kill someone while
driving drunk. Yet, we might also obsess about a small problem to avoid facing
a larger one. For example, a mother of a drug addict might obsess about her
son's sloppiness, but not confront or even admit to herself that he could die
from his addiction. A perfectionist might obsess about a minor flaw in his or
her appearance, but not acknowledge feelings of inferiority or unlovability.
Tips for
Dealing with Obsessions
The best way to
end an obsession is to "lose our mind and come to our senses!" It
follows that if an obsession is to avoid feeling, getting in touch with
feelings and allowing them to flow will help dissolve our obsession. If our
obsession helps us avoid taking action, we can get support to face our fears and
act. When our obsessions are irrational and allowing our feelings doesn't
dispel them, it can be helpful to reason them out with a friend or therapist.
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1. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" and wait patiently until you know.
2.
Learn to
meditate to quiet your mind.
3.
Do slow
movement to evocative music, and allow yourself to feel.
4. Write about
your feelings (ideally with your non-dominant hand) and read it to someone.
5.
Share at a CoDA
or Al-Anon meeting.
6.
Spend time in
nature.
7.
Read spiritual
literature and/or attend spiritual/religious gatherings. (Beware that religion
and spirituality can become obsessions, too)
8.
Ask yourself
what you need right now, and fill that need.
9.
Put your energy
into expanding your social network.
10.
Do something
creative.
11.
Develop
interests and passions that feed, inspire, and nurture you.
12.
Do what you
enjoy. Don't wait for someone to join you.
13.
If you're
obsessing over a broken relationship, here's a list of things
to do and think about.
14.
Do the
exercises in Codependency for Dummies, especially Chapter 9 on non
attachment, and the exercises in Conquering Shame and Codependency.
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This article isn't meant to address obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is a mental disorder affecting one percent of adults. It starts in childhood and is believed to have a genetic component. OCD may include only obsessions. Usually, the themes are about:
·
Fear of
contamination or dirt
·
Having things
orderly and symmetrical
·
Aggressive or
horrific thoughts about harming yourself or others
·
Unwanted
thoughts, including aggression, or sexual or religious subjects
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10 Common Questions Men
Have About Sex Addiction
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1. Question: Am I a
sex addict?
Answer: There are a
number of red flags that can signal an addiction to sex. A person who uses
sexual activity be it intercourse, viewing pornography, phone sex, chat rooms,
prostitution or masturbation as a numbing agent, something to prevent them from
feeling bad, may have a sex addiction. Other indicators the sexual behavior is
causing the addict problems include their spouse becoming upset over their
behavior or they've gone into debt over payment for phone sex lines or Internet
pornography sites. Spending an excessive amount of time viewing pornography
Over 10 hours a week is another red flag, since this sexual behavior is
interfering with time spent with friends, family or at work.
Another key factor is
the addict has tried to stop engaging in sexual behavior but failed. When all
these things come together, it's time to ask a professional about getting help.
2. Question: Can I be
cured?
Answer: Many sex
addicts have reported being able to bring their sexual behavior under control,
through any one of a variety of treatment methods. Some attend intensive
rehabilitation facilities; others go to therapy sessions, attend 12 step
meetings or use medication and a host of other techniques to control their
sexual behavior. This can include finding a trusted person to act as an
"accountability partner." Or for pornography addicts, it can mean the
use of pornography blocking computer programs.
3. Question: Does
being cured mean I give up sex?
Answer: No. Unlike
chemical dependencies related to alcohol or drugs, sex is recognized as a
healthy aspect of life. Treatment for sex addiction, while it does involve a
period of abstinence, seeks to bring harmful and unwanted troublesome sexual
activity under control to where it is no longer causing harm. It may lead to
stopping viewing pornography, discontinuing solicitation of prostitutes and
other "bottom line" behaviors or even illegal activities. The goal is
stopping harmful behavior, but certainly not giving up sex.
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4. Question: Is sex
addiction even real, or just something people use to excuse their behavior?
Answer: Truth be told,
there are some experts who don't feel sex addiction is real and say it's more a
product of conflicting social norms and mores. Other say sex addiction exists
but do not feel it meets the definition of an addiction in the same way
addiction to alcohol or drugs does. For a sex addict seeking treatment, it may
be a moot point. To get treatment, first one has to recognize they have a
problem and stop trying to use their own willpower alone to control it. Many
people have sought treatment for sex addiction and reported results. Much of
the criticism about its validity has been aimed at celebrities embroiled in
public sex scandals and is hardly analogous to the average person not living in
the public eye. Sex addiction is real and one struggling with unwanted sexual
behaviors certainly can attest to that fact.
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5. Question: What
caused this? How did I get to be this way?
Answer: There is no definitive cause for sex addiction, and for each person it will be different. Many sex addicts report being sexually abused at a young age and growing up with a distorted view of sex and what a healthy sex life should be. For others, it is simply the rush of chemicals in their brain after discovering a parent's pornography stash or coming across it in some other fashion. Still others indicate the accessibility of Internet pornography had them fall into a cycle, while there are those who turned to using sex as a numbing agent during a difficult period in their lives and began relying on it as a coping mechanism. For some growing up with abuse, neglect, abandonment and enmeshment have cause the to seek out other ways to feel good about life and themselves.
While knowing the
cause of sex addiction is important, those on the path to recovery should not
seek to dwell on the unchangeable past; instead, they need to focus on their
present actions.
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6. Question: Does
viewing pornography and sexual interaction over the Internet count as cheating
on my spouse?
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Answer: Not to be glib,
but it can depend on the spouse. Certainly many women do feel that their
spouses having cybersex or phone sex with another woman qualifies as
infidelity. They may not react in the exact same way as if it had been physical
sex with another woman, but the impact on a relationship can be dire. First,
the wife will feel betrayed. She won't trust her husband if he's been hiding
his behavior. She may can feel bad about herself, perhaps thinking some failing
on her part led the husband to seek these sexual outlets.
Even pornography
viewing can be a sore spot for women. Society places a lot of pressure on women
to be physically attractive and sexually desirable and they may feel they are
in competition with actresses in pornographic videos. This can affect their
self-esteem, even if they do not confront their husband about the behavior.
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7. Question: Can
medication lower my sex drive so I don't have this problem.
Answer: Yes and no.
There are medications out there that can lower a person's sex drive, and they
are often used to treat sex addiction. However, they are limited in their power
to erase the problem completely. Some form of therapy, be it a 12 step program
or other process, is required.
8. Question: Will I
ever be cured or is this a lifelong problem?
Answer: Many people report being able to bring their sexual behaviors under control, sometimes after a period of months or years, and are living lives relatively free of problems related to sex addiction. These people have addressed the factors in their life they had once sought to control by using sex; they have now embedded into their lives multiple tools to avoid falling back into destructive addiction cycles. For some, there is always the fear they will relapse, and some do struggle with sex addiction for long periods of time. There is no quick fix for the problem.
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9. Question: I'm also
addicted to alcohol. Is my sex addiction just a sign that I'm susceptible to
addictive behaviors in general?
Answer: In some ways,
yes. Many sex addicts report being addicted to alcohol, drugs, or behaviors
such as gambling. They also claim family members with various addictions. It's
certainly been theorized that a person can have a genetic predisposition to
addictive behaviors. As to treating multiple addictions, it should be noted
that many sex addiction treatment programs are modeled after alcohol treatment
techniques developed by Alcoholics Anonymous. 12 step programs such as
Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
model their programs after and borrow their literature from that organization.
10. Question: Am I
really a sex addict or is my sex drive just naturally high?
Answer: The difference between a sex addict and a person who enjoys a lot of sex has to do with why the behavior is being sought and the inability to stop an unwanted behavior as well as the obsession and compulsion. A person with a high sex drive is aroused and in most cases can control acting on that arousal. A sex addict is engaging in sex as a coping mechanism, isolating themselves from others even if they have a real life partner for the sex, and engaging in the sex act compulsively. They may feel shame after they complete the act, or some general feelings of depression. Actual arousal is not the primary motivator.
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[https://obsessionmethod.com/?hop=0]
helps individuals struggling with Sex Addiction, Porn Addiction, Compulsive
Masturbation, other dangerous sexual behaviors, and the consequences of those
addictions, get sober and into recovery so they can lead richer, fuller, more
successful and healthy lives. We provide information, resources, articles,
videos, CDs, DVDs, seminars, conferences, and membership sites to help
individuals better understand what sex addiction is and how to deal with it.
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Turn Her On Without Saying A Word, 3 Techniques for Making Her Want You
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You might’ve heard of Dr.
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All the best,
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