Marriage is Learning To Love ! 4 Important Points To Save Your Marriage.
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Marriage: Learning To Love
My daughter was recently in
her school's performance of Fiddler On The Roof. She was one of the daughters.
If you don't know the story, it focuses on the changing culture of marriage,
from one where the marriage is arraigned by family and community to one based
on mutual attraction.
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In one of the songs, the main
character asks his wife if she loves him. She replies that for 25 years, she
has shared his bed, made his meals, tended his house, raised his children -- so
what kind of question is that? The point is that in their relationship, love
wasn't even a question or consideration. But after some back-and-forth, they
decide that, indeed, they love each other.
You see, the initial attraction
is really about "I." "I" feel a certain way, so I know I am
"in love." But that part of the relationship is driven by my need to
feel that way, my need to be with the other person, my need to have my needs
met. My needs are fueled by my desire to feel the intense emotion of
"being in love."
But in reality, love is a
verb, something I do for the other. So, it takes the rest of my life to learn
how to attend to my spouse's needs. From my desire to be with my spouse comes
my desire to meet my spouse's love needs.
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We are "fooled" into
commitment by the overwhelming feeling of attraction, and then we have to put
forth effort to create a sustained relationship. I say "fooled"
because our culture has us believing that this love is the foundation of a
relationship. It is not. It is merely a temporary starting point. It is not the
destination. It is just a part of the journey to a lifetime relationship.
Those intense feelings will
calm over time. The overwhelming need to be with someone that marks the
infatuation portion of a relationship is not sustainable on its own. It's like
placing a flame in a bottle. Eventually, the flame will burn all the oxygen in
the bottle and be extinguished.
When we continue to believe
that "love" (infatuation) is the heart of a relationship, when that
feeling is gone, we believe we are no longer in love. That is not the case; we
have just failed to fuel the fire.
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By acting on love, by making love a verb and not an emotion, we keep the emotional fire stoked. And that is the great irony: if we depend on the feeling of being in love to keep us together, it will fail. But if we set that aside and focus on being loving, the feeling of being in love is sustained. Mature love is a verb, not an emotion.
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Text The Romance Back 2.0 https://bit.ly/3HmhS12Articles on Love, Dating & Seduction (For Men):-Also Read : Understanding Women ! How to Get Any Woman to Like You ! Tips on Dating for Men. https://bit.ly/3o3Je52Also Read : How To Attract Women ! 11 Ways To Screw Up Her On Your First Date. https://bit.ly/3KljGK7 |
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How To Save YourMarriage
Each year in America alone,
nearly 1 million marriages end in divorce. This is an incredible number! That
would be as if all the citizens of Houston Texas were divorced (each divorce
leaves 2 people).
The question is how many of
those marriages could be saved. Unfortunately, that is an invisible number. If
your marriage stays together, it is hard to find in the statistics. As Marian
Wright Edelman wrote, statistics are stories with the tears washed off.
Also Read : How to Find the Man of My Dreams 5 Tips for Finding the Man of Your Dreams and Can I ever find a man who will love me for who I am? https://bit.ly/3mIEgtR
And I can tell you, in four
simple steps what you can do to save your marriage. You can start right now.
But you must understand that I said "simple." That is not the same as
"easy." These steps are not easy. They do, however, give you a path
that you must follow if you want to change the destiny of a marriage in
trouble.
1) Quit the blame game. Stop blaming your spouse and stop blaming yourself.
This is the first step because
marriages get frozen into a pattern of blame that immobilizes any prospect of
progress. Instead, the momentum gets dragged down and down.
Blame is our way of avoiding
seeing ourselves clearly. It is much easier to point the finger somewhere and
say "It's their fault." But in marriage, you can just as easily turn
that pointing finger on yourself and place the blame there, saying "it's
all my fault."
Unfortunately, blame feels
good in the short-term, but in the long-term, it prevents any shift or change.
So, even if you can make a long list of why you or your spouse should be
blamed, forget it. Even if that list is factual, it will not help you put your
marriage back together. Blame is the fuel of divorces.
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2) Take responsibility. Decide you can do something.
Instead, blame is saying
"regardless of who is at fault, there are some things I can do
differently, and I am going to do them." What buttons do you allow your
spouse to push? What buttons do you push with your spouse? Decide not to allow
those buttons to be pushed and stop pushing the buttons.
What amazes me in my
counseling is that everyone knows what they should be doing or not doing. But
it is difficult to move in that direction. Don't be caught in that. Decide that
you will take action.
The difference between blame
and responsibility is this: if I am in a burning building, I can stand around
trying to figure out who started the blaze, why it has spread so quickly, and
who I am going to sue when it is over (blame), or I can get myself and anyone
else I can out of that building (taking responsibility). When a marriage is in
trouble, the house is on fire. How will you take action to save the marriage?
3) Get resources from experts.
Don't assume that your
situation is so different from every other situation. I can tell you that after
20-some years of providing therapy, not too much new comes through my doors.
Don't get me wrong; the story changes, but the dynamics are the same.
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Remember what Albert Einstein
said, "The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level
of thinking with which we created them." In other words, what got you into
trouble will not get you out of trouble. That requires a whole new level of
thinking. And that is what you get from an outside expert, someone with a fresh
perspective.
4) Take action. More damage is done by doing nothing by taking a misstep.
It is too easy to get paralyzed by
the situation. Therapists often talk about "analysis paralysis." This
occurs when people get so caught up in their churning thoughts and attempts to
"figure things out" that they never take action.
Will your marriage be saved?
If you follow my suggestions, you have infinitely more opportunity for saving
your marriage than if you do nothing. Marriage is one of those places where it
takes two to make it work, but only one to really mess things up. You can only
do your part, but many times, that is enough. Resolve not to ask the question
but to begin to act.
Are you ready to take action?
Grab the best-selling resource on the internet for saving marriages: Save The
Marriage, Even If Only You Want It! You can find it at http://www.SaveTheMarriage.com
Save The Marriage System https://bit.ly/3t5rFVv
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